Pineapples, Cricket and Music

And so the
England cricket team went up against a
West Indies eleven this weekend. The prize – a million dollars per man. But zilch for the losers. Inevitably,

England were crushed like tiny insects by a group of players who weren’t ashamed to say they wanted to win the biggest financial prize ever offered within the sport. England, in typically British fashion, were banned from even mentioning the money in interviews – despite the fact that massive billboards everywhere highlighted the size of the gold pot. Still, the powers that be judged that any actual discussion of it might upset a nation in the midst of the ‘credit crunch’. And so our cricketers didn’t know whether they should be aiming to win or lose.

It was a similar story with the acts taking part in Channel 4’s Orange Unsigned competition on Sunday morning. The groups and singers involved must want to win this creepy talent contest otherwise why would they have entered? But each of the artists on there is quite aware too what a degrading process they’re putting themselves through. And so they have to find a place where they can look to the public like, “we’re a rock band we don’t care if we win a stupid competition” but also like, “please Alex James, be nice to us”. It’s depressing viewing.

And the fact remains – THERE IS NO SUCH PLACE.

On top of that, everyone knows that if you’re on this show, you shouldn’t be in a band at all. Alex James knows it, the guy from Universal Records knows it, Lauren Laverne knows it. Fans of indie music definitely know it. The X Factor may be perfect for its audience – the people who will buy the pop singers’ records are actually tuning into that programme. But I’m not sure that anyone even watches this
Orange show. There can’t be anyone who gets pleasure out of doing so. It sucks every bit of glamour, integrity, and inspiration out of the concept of being a musician.

“That’s the reality of life in the music business,” some might say, “That is how the industry honchos make their judgements.” and, in some cases, maybe that’s the grimy truth, but don’t let them do it to you on T4!  

Especially if you’re a singer-songwriter. The fact that the competition is now open to you, and not just bands as in the last series, is fine. Or at least it would be if two of the panel hadn’t yesterday already admitted to hating singer-songwriters full-stop. What’s the point, then, of putting yourself through the agony of humiliating yourselves on television if you’ve got no chance of being put through anyway? It’s like entering a pineapple into a grapefruit competition. You might have the best pineapple in the world. But it’s going to do you no good if half the panel is allergic to the stuff.

Anyway, the point is that you can only end up with tons of gooey egg all over your face if you enter a competition without the full on, shameless, X-Factor-esque strength of character that enables those involved to stand up and say “I am not ashamed, I want to win this, it is a valid process.” For different reasons, neither the

England cricket team nor anyone on the Channel 4 programme has been able to do that. As a result, everyone involved has just looked pathetic.