I’d Do Anything For Loaf (But I Won’t Listen To His Music)

Move over Obama, Meat Loaf is back.

The word is, Loaf is working with Kid Rock and Green Day producer Rob Cavallo on a new album. Christ alone knows what that’s going to sound like. It’s a boot in the balls for anyone who thought that he was out of ideas, seeing as how the original triumvirate of Bat Out Of Hell albums – somewhere between the Rocky Horror Picture Show and getting a too-rough-to-enjoy handjob off of a hairy-knuckled biker – were rounded off in 2006 with the final, fake-blood-n-velvet-curtained instalment, ‘Bat Out Of Hell III’.

Instead, Meat is heading for the intensively competitive, cut-throat world of children’s telly.

Yes, the doyen of shlock-rock is set to read ‘The Lamb Who Came To Dinner’ to a drumming puppy on new CITV show ‘Bookaboo’. And while this news in itself isn’t particularly amazing or shocking, it’s reminded me of a few things…

1. Kiss’ venture into kids TV.

2. The time Meat Loaf tried to out-weird Avid Merrion and sort of succeeded.

3. The immeasurably sick-inducing ludicrousness of this song and its video where Meat hangs out in a church looking a bit like Emperor Palpatine with a Kling-On forehead whilst 17th Century wheely chairs zoom around of their own accord.

4. A personal tragedy in the shape of that song’s affect on a young boy…

Although the first album I bought was ‘No Limits’ by Dutch dance weirdoes 2Unlimited, Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat Out Of Hell II: Back Into Hell’ was my second, which I mostly considered a viable purchase off the back of the massive single ‘I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)’.
That song is kind of why I’m a weenie bit scared of Meat Loaf. It’s one of those strange songs that struck a (power) chord in the minds of many different people across the world. It was number one in twenty-eight countries despite being a) grammatically incorrect, b) ridiculous and c) shit.
I listened to it a lot. Over and over. I think it basically damaged me. It’s the reason I still like big all-band sing-alongs (check the bit at about 5 minutes in. Sick.). It – not my Dad’s Pink Floyd albums – is the reason I like prog rock and have no dress sense.
It’s sort of prog for kids. An introduction to a strange world of black velvet curtains, windy churches and noisy motorbikes. A world that any 9 year old would think cool.

Meat Loaf facts (thanks Wikipedia):

• Meat Loaf is said to have cheated death on numerous occasions, having crashed in a car which rolled over, been hit on the head with a shot put, and being struck by Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome (a heart problem that affects only 0.3 – 3% of the population). In October 2006, his private jet had to make an emergency landing at London’s Stansted Airport after his plane’s forward landing gear failed.
• He is also the father in law of Anthrax rhythm guitarist Scott Ian. Meat Loaf was a vegetarian for 11 years but has since resumed eating meat.
• Despite his stage name moniker, he has never eaten actual Meatloaf.
• Meat Loaf is a supporter of the northern English football team Hartlepool United and, in 2003, the BBC reported he was seeking a residence in the nearby area.
• Meat Loaf stands 6 feet tall and weighs in at 245 pounds.

The World Of Meat Loaf is a terrifying and alarming place that could easily ensnare a new generation of children. One minute they’ll be watching him tell this story about Lambs to a puppy and the next they’ll be on Spotify or iTunes or in A REAL RECORD SHOP buying his entire back catalogue and crying themselves to sleep at night because they don’t own a Harley-Davidson or a disused building with stone walls (preferably a church).

Parents, would you let a man who uses a pseudonym, (real name Marvin Lee Aday) read a story to your children? We’ve all seen what he’s capable of.

Be careful, new generation. Be very careful.