Words We’d Never Normally Use

Clichés. We’re not supposed to use them. They’re the property of “Incredible Jeff, he’s been caught napping there!” sports pundits. The same goes for puns. Leave them to the headline writers (with the exception of an otherwise forgettable review I once read where the reviewer seized his opportunity to deride a band as a poor man’s MC5 by sealing the review with the words, “it’s time to kick out the shams”. Excellent work).

Yet, read any music magazine or website, and it won’t be free from cliché. Even the last mailout from Vice, unequivocally the coolest and so-un-cliché-that-it’s-now-a-cliché-in-its-own-right magazine, featured clichéd phrases like “cash-strapped”, “giving head” and “rubbing shoulders”, albeit that the last two were in a slightly different tense to how I’ve quoted them there, as otherwise they wouldn’t have made sense.

Anyway, my point wasn’t to slag off Vice at all, cos it’s ace. What I’m getting at is the basically-very-obvious-point of how lots of the words that get used in reviews are pompous and shit and how vague usage of words is actually de-defining them and turning them into mumbo-jumbo.

Here’s a list of the main offenders and some suggested definitions of what they actually mean when used by journalists. (N.B. none of them are ever EVER used in conversational open play, which is itself a self-important phrase I recently made up).

ambience – it makes me want to go to sleep
beguiling – it makes me want to go to sleep
breath-taking – I have this band’s first album and all the singles
celestial – I am drunk
ethereal – I am drunk and in possession of a thesaurus
lexicon – I am posh and have read all the Terry Pratchett books but don’t consider him ‘literature’
mesmerising – I am stoned
oeuvre – I read the Guardian and would like a job there instead of writing for Drowned In Sound
organic – I am a twat
panache – I am being ironic
scintillating – I am a twat with bad breath
sonic landscape – I am a twat with bad breath and a greasy forehead
sophomore – I am an American twat with bad breath and a greasy forehead
spellbinding – HELP ME I AM LONELY
sultry – I fancied the singer but they wouldn’t look at me because I have bad breath and a greasy forehead
texture – I am a complete and total dick

Yuck. I think I’m gonna be sick. What a disgusting definitionless cluster of bollocks. You could string eight of those randomly together and it would read like a pompous blogger’s review of the last Fleet Foxes album. Which, by the way, I don’t mind telling you, I found to be a breath-taking, celestial sonic landscape, which was beguiling, sultry and organically mesmerising, showcasing a spellbinding and scintillating panache. Excuse me, I’m just going to punch myself in the face.

That’s better.

While one hand stems my violent nosebleed, I will now offer this explanation as to why our world of music-writing is in possession of a lexicon bloated with bullshit. You see, it’s like Sky Sports News. Sometimes, nothing happens. Realistically, there isn’t enough Sports News to fill 24 hours of rolling Sports News. Thus, Iffy Onoura joins Blackpool as a scout and their news-tickers GO INTO MELTDOWN. Or, in music terms, an OK Computer doesn’t come out every month. Long periods, sometimes years (we’re looking at you, 2007, with your Maximo Park and Hard-Fi follow-up albums), are saturated with incredibly average and middle of the road releases, yet we still have to champion something as being great. Something still has to be carried clear of the mundane mess of run-of-the-mill-ness in a triumphantly clenched fist. Often in these barren times, some OK-but-ultimately-undeserving crud will get the plaudits, causing us to look back several years later and gasp, “THE BRAVERY?! WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE ON?”
Admittedly we’re not as bad as Sky Sports News. Heaven forfend that a footballer should ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING as suddenly the presenters’ heads start revolving really fast and steam comes pouring out of their ears – steam coming out of people’s ears! Gah! That’s another cliché! I’m gonna punchmyselfagainhereitcomes— OOOF.

Jesus, that hurts. Feel free to post your own loathed review-words beneath. I’m just off to get some toilet tissue to stem the bleeding…