The Summer Of Electropap?

AAARGGHHH! HAS EVERYONE FORGOTTEN? 2009 was supposed to be the year of guitars! Led Zeppelin were supposed to reform and tour their arthritic arses around our rapidly-killing-itself globe. There was even talk of a grunge revival! (Predictable, yes, but certainly exciting. After all, we’ve had Nu-Metal and Nu-Rave, so we’re inescapably bound to come to Nu-Grunge, Nu-Britpop and then eventually Nu-Lighthouse Family. WICKED!)
Instead, we got an army of massively annoying joyless electropop kids with stupid hair and mardy expressions. Music robots delivering VERY LOUD DULL MUSIC.
For instance, have you ever seen La Roux smile? Exactly. It’s because she doesn’t have any face muscles. Also, has anyone ever seen the bloke she’s in a band with? Yes, La Roux is a band, you know, they’re not one person. He must be even older than the guy in the Ting Tings and look like Walter Donovan just after he drank from the grail. That’s surely the only reason he’s not in any photos.

Then there’s Frankmusik, with his brain-liquefyingly annoying nothing-pop, Dan Black, Tommy Sparks, who actually did a half-decent-in-an-80’s-kinda-way song with those other vanguards of the cheery, Filthy Dukes, and the bland-athon that is Little Boots, aka Victoria Hesketh. (It pains me to be fair, but in Victoria’s case, she was exposed as being LIKE OMG THE NEXT BIG THING! in blogworld and beginning of year polls, when, in truth, she was nowhere near ready. Instead of hanging on and letting her craft some more songs as good as ‘Meddle’, her people lurched out from behind their desks at the blast of NEW FOR 09 publicity that shot her to our attention six months ago. An album has been rushed forth. Predictably, it’s boring, and nowhere near as good as this - there isn’t even a swanky piece of Japanese music hardware to admire.)

Aside from the ins-and-outs, the point is this: the world is in a rapidly-accelerating spiral of crudness. Economic oblivion. Environmental Armageddon. Political meltdown. The last thing we need is a bunch of cheery, bleepy, foppish, happy-go-braindead electropop bore-offs whizzing around the airwaves soundtracking our summer of ozone-free sunburn and overdraft quicksand with their vacuous, mean-nothing, blank, void EMPTINESS.

IT’S REALLY ANNOYING.

And all the existing guitar boys have managed in response to world shitness is this.

Oh dear.

Nurse!, the Nu-Grunge please, and fast…