Music For Meh

Gossip’s new single makes me want to head down to a pet shop, select the cutest rabbit I can find, look deep into its bunny eyes, stroke lightly its floppy little ears and then pull its fucking legs off.

‘Love Long Distance’ is taken from their new album, ‘Music For Men’. Music For Men? Really? Well hey guys, I’m men, and I don’t remember ordering this third-rate shit. Yes, Beth Ditto might be an icon of sorts, and respect to her for her genuinely uncompromising stance and yadda yadda hey, but ultimately bands are judged on the music they produce. And what they’ve produced here is an inglorious basterd of a track that takes a nasty little neo-disco beat, horribly hackneyed Italian house piano and some ridiculous warbling pop vocals on top. It’s all so very thin and second-hand; neither soulful enough to flow salt tears of recognition nor poppy enough to prick the skin of indifference. Typical late-noughties indie, in other words.

But what really gets my goat is that at the start of the second verse, for no discernible reason, Ditto finds it necessary to sing a couple of lines to the tune of ‘I Heard It Through The Grapevine’. Perhaps this is intended as a postmodern iconoclastic statement that reclaims that track, now divested of all its cultural familiarity and import, for a new generation’s sonic appreciation. A live-vocal sample, if you like. Hey ho, let’s go: if that is the motivation, is pretty fucking pretentious to start with. Nonetheless what it actually serves to do is, for the next two minutes, set off a chain of thoughts that start with Oh I know that song, it’s a cracker… Much better than this… Jesus this band have run out of ideas…But shit, man, Marvin Gaye was great… Even ‘Sexual Healing’ and the Belgium years… He went a bit off the rails but the voice never really left him… Nor the beard… Hang on a minute why the fuck am I still listening to Gossip? If only Beth’s dad had the same way with a pistol as Marvin’s. (The song ends at this point, which is probably for the best.)

But hey now, do everyone a favour, Beth, and write your own melodies again. It’s not difficult. You did it once a few years ago, remember? People liked it. They called you dynamic, and exciting, and energetic, and truly thought you guys might be a force for good in a world full of cultural regurgitators and dunderheaded musical retweeters. It’s all very well saying that pop will eat itself but when it makes people eye up a worried-looking Flopsy with murderous intent it’s fair to say you might be missing the mark a touch.