Everybody Blurts

So, R.E.M’s magical classic ‘Everybody Hurts’ is set to storm the UK’s charts once more in the form of a Sun newspaper-backed cover to raise money for the victims of the Haiti earthquake. I’m completely for charity singles. Make no mistake, the cause is all good and Haiti needs all the help it can get. I’d just like to know one thing, though: when the people behind charity fluff like ‘Everybody Hurts’ go to the drawing board and bat about ideas, where does it say that the end product must be so unashamedly shit?

Hearing the first 30 seconds of it – Leona Lewis’s bit, I think – made me choke as much as when I first heard the same ‘Bleeding Love’ songstress murder Snow Patrol’s ‘Run’. There’s a lot of pointless ‘umming’ and ‘ahhing’, superstars trading lines and plenty of trying to sound pained and soulful, only to come across as pathetically hollow. It’s dreadful. Perhaps the nadir is that the whole production sounds cheaper than a Freddo Bar; it’s painfully clear that no two artists who bleated on this song were in the same building at the same time. Not to mention the fact that the vocals sound as though they were recorded over the instrumental being blazed out of some portable iPod speakers.

To be fair, the charity single bar wasn’t exactly set very high in the first place. There’s been any number of rubbish efforts produced to raise money for good causes. We’re not talking the kind of Peter-Kay-walking-on-treadmill treats that are clearly meant to have some sort of comedic value; rather the ones that are supposed to be deadly serious and sincere. A whole host of heavy-hitters including Elton John, Tom Jones and, er, Heather Small from M People managed to screw up Lou Reed’s ‘Perfect Day’. It begs the question; can this type of thing ever be any good? Or do all creative and artistic abilities fly out of the window when dealing with tragic circumstances?

‘Come Together Now’, made to benefit the victims of both the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami and Hurricane Katrina, featured the likes of Celine Dion, rapper The Game, and former-Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. And fucking Chingy. The ‘Everybody Hurts’ roster reads like an X-Factor/Britain’s Got Talent orgy: Lewis, Cheryl Cole, SuBo, JLS, Westlife and Joe McElderry. Admittedly, the likes of James Blunt and Mariah Carey are thrown in, too, so with all that inspired talent couldn’t they have written a song all of their own? No, that would be mad, clearly.

Here’s where it gets controversial: I mean, aren’t all of the above minted? A simple donation won’t do? One might argue that Cowell has gathered his troops of karaoke-singing garbage in order for them to, well, look good. Doing a song for charity isn’t going to harm the public image, is it? You can almost picture the music mogul pumping clenched-fists as the grizzly news of the ‘quake unfolded over the past couple of weeks. And saving Robbie Williams’ input for the climactic ending? Ha, it’s almost as if he’s trying to promote a struggling, below-par album or something. Oh…

But, no, that would be cynical. Gordon Brown did ask Cowell to put the single together, after all. And why would anyone have any reason to argue with him? Buy it by all means. Just don’t play it. Ever.