Birthing Cool

It’s a common pub question: “What music would you have at your funeral?”

Obviously, the more sarcastic of your friends will choose something ridiculous like The Jam’s ‘Going Underground’, or – if they’re intent on being cremated – this:

Yes, it’s The Crazy World Of Arthur Brown. Or in the case of the 1975 re-release (this video), just plain old Arthur and a television studio work-experience branding a fire extinguisher. Clearly Arthur’s world was a little too crazy for the rest of the band. Who can blame them? Would you hang out with a guy whose hat was always on fire? Poor old Arthur. Too crazy to live, too crazy to just bugger off.

As one of the YouTube commenters rather eloquently surmises: “THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON ACID, kids”. Quite.

But this is all music to be boxed up and packed off to. What about the other end of your timeline? The bit that has you naked and covered in mucus and leaves your Mother with a limp? What’s the perfect soundtrack for that? Well, although “What was Number One when you were born?”* is another oft-asked pub question, it’s almost certainly the wrong one. The real question should be “What was playing when you were born?”, or “What was blasting out of the ward’s ghetto box as you slid into the world?”, or “Were you born to Steve Wright In The Afternoon?”.

You see, two friends are having a baby on 28th June, and already they know that – because the baby is breached – she/he/the hellish goat child of satan** will be delivered by caesarian section. This is where it gets interesting.

You see, the Doctors have said to them both that they can bring in their own CD for when the baby arrives.

“Don’t worry if you can’t think of anything,” the kindly Doctor reassured the Father, “we can always just put the radio on.”

Immediately alarm bells were ringing in my friend’s head. No child of his was going to be born to the dulcet tones of Chris Moyles, he asserted, very responsibly. He’ll be a good Dad, you can tell.

So here are a couple of ideas for what to get born to:

The Ramones – ‘Blitzkreig Bop’ Could there be anything cooler to get born to than the dumbassed leather jackets’n’smack punk of The Ramones? Plus, the bark of “Hey! Ho! Let’s Go!” may serve as an encouraging impetus to both Mother and baby.
Baby name: Johnny (Boy), Dee-Dee (Girl)

Cat Stevens – ‘The First Cut Is The Deepest’ Actually I think this might be in entirely poor taste.
Baby name: Yusuf (Boy), Cat (Girl)

Diana Ross – ‘I’m Coming Out’ It’d be literal, but might also encourage your child to grow up as a flamboyant homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a flamboyant homosexual.
Baby name: Niall (Boy), Harriet (Girl)

The Stone Roses – ‘I Am The Resurrection’ Tempting fate, I think.
Baby name: Jesus (Boy), Mary (Girl)

Or Arthur Brown’s ‘Fire’, just for the sheer hell (sorry) of it.

*You can find out here http://www.everyhit.com/dates/. Mine was Dexy’s Midnight Runners’ ‘Come On Eileen’. I don’t really know if that means anything.

**I’m sure this won’t happen guys, don’t worry.