The Twilight Moan

I’m sorry I have to do this, but I need to make a point, and sometimes making a point involves talking about things you’d rather not talk about. Twilight is the subject of this blog…HANG ON, don’t leave just yet. Fact of the matter is I’d rather eat my own arm than watch them (admission: I watched the first one, if I didn’t I’d have no justification for writing this), but the only great part of them is their soundtracks.

Muse bassist Chris Wolstenholme recently compared having their songs on the soundtracks to “selling your soul.” Quite. And I’ve got sympathy for him, I’ve written all of three awful songs in my life, but the thought of bunging them on the soundtrack of a Twilight film is a bit like, well, selling your soul. But the sad reality is, Chris, that Twilight needs your beautiful music. Here’s why…

Twilight generally appeals to the kind of people who like Justin Bieber and Jedward, such is its awful-ness. There’s no way on earth that anyone who’s not 14 and female could actually find these films remotely great. So when the board meeting took place between the film execs to tackle this problem, the most obvious soloution was to give it a decent soundtrack. 

And a decent soundtrack they did. The first of the four films played, and whilst teenage girls across the world watched vampires chasing woman chasing werewolves chasing vampires (repeat, repeat, repeat, ad nauseum.), the rest of the audience had pretty much shut their eyes and were enjoying Muse, Paramore, and Iron & Wine. Hell, even Radiohead contributed to the film’s soundtrack, with ’15 Step’ cleverly placed at the beginning of the credits – it’s clever ‘cos the kind of people who stick around for the credits of any film also probably love Radiohead. 

Nowadays Twilight soundtracks read a bit like a who’s who of decent artists over the last few years – Florence & The Machine, Editors, Death Cab For Cutie… It’s almost gratifying to the point that it makes up for hysteria the films have caused. You now live in a world where, if you walk into the waiting room of the right Texan dentist, you can get yourself a natty little set of vampire tooth veneers fitted. I think I’d prefer my future children spending their pocket money on drugs and hookers or something. 

Of course, these aren’t the first films to be aided by a pretty awesome soundtrack. Trainspotting was already a great film, but made all the better when Lou Reed (ahh, the beautiful irony of ‘Perfect Day’ during an overdose scene), Blur, Iggy Pop, and New Order played along in the background. Or if you want me to go a little further back, look no further than the funk-filled goodness of Tarantino’s classic Pulp Fiction. Kool & The Gang, Al Green, Dusty Springfield, et al.

The moral of the story? If you make a film and it’s really bad, or it’s part of the Twilight Saga (and then it’s just bad by default), then give it a decent soundtrack; they make great films great, and bad films slightly more bearable. Got that, future film-makers of tomorrow? If it worked for Twilight, it can work for you too…