High-Five For The Worst Five

There are certain conversations that only seem to take place in pubs. Whether there’s something about nursing a pint that invokes clichéd discourse I’m not sure but I’m talking about the staple conversations that all of you have had; first album ever bought, first gig attended, first clumsy fumble with a member of the opposite sex in a darkened venue corner etc. It was on one of these occasions recently (the pub type of occasion, not the fumble type) that one of my friends raised the subject of the worst records he’s ever bought. He reeled off a list of tracks bad enough to make a Beautiful South Best Of look like ‘Abbey Road’ and in turn caused us all to rummage through our closets in search of our own musical skeletons. Here, with some regret, are mine. Behold, the worst five recordings I ever owned. I’d like to ask you all not to rush to judgment when reading this. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, and some of these musical faux pas are almost unforgiveable. But it is important to remember that this is not who I am, it is simply who I was.

2 Unlimited – ‘No Limit’

You know how very, very young children love things with bright colours and repetition? Well, it seems I was a late bloomer and refused to part with this obsession for quite a while, as by my maths I would have been at least 11 when this monstrosity came out. Listening to it now I want to track down my former self and deliver a firm slap to the side of my head, only to hold myself afterwards and whisper “it’s not your fault” over and over again like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. And I’d be right to do that because it wasn’t my fault, it was entirely the fault of 2-bloody-Unlimited. I can only assume the mantra “no no, no no no no, no no no no, no no there’s no limit” was in reference to how annoying this song could be. The potential is astounding. Having not seen this cassette lying around the house at any point during the last fifteen years, I assumed I was free of 2 Unlimited for good. Unfortunately a quick Wikipedia search informed me that the techno duo made a comeback this year with the track ‘In Da Name Of Love’, which already, judging solely from the title, sounds like da worst thing in da world, ever. One can only hope that before this music spills over and taints another generation the Dutch duo come to their senses and bugger off… quietly.

Creed – ‘Human Clay’

PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME! I’m not a bad person, honestly, but for whatever reason this CD at some point found its way into my rack. I’m fairly sure I didn’t buy it and I only listened to it once, probably not even all the way through, but still there is no excuse for this kind of laid-on thick, holier-than-thou Christian rock. Even God himself, if he were to exist, would admit to this being shit. He’d probably be like, “Hi, Creed, it’s God here. I just wanted to thank you for all the support, I really appreciate it, but I was wondering if you could please just stop with the music. It’s just that you’re all different kinds of awful and it reflects poorly on me, so… and just so we’re clear I’m not really asking. I’m willing to smite you, is I guess what I’m getting at.” And then Creed would write a song about the conversation they had with God and everybody would hate it. I actually despise everything about this band, from the very concept of it to their smug, enlightened faces, so much that I can’t really express it in words. I finally offloaded the CD by giving it to a girl I was seeing for a short time at university (she asked for it, I wasn’t just being mean). Soon afterwards she broke up with me. Coincidence? I think not. And to be fair I can’t really blame her, giving your partner a Creed album is the musical equivalent of giving them an STD, in the way that it may only be with them for a short time but whilst it’s there it will drastically reduce the quality of their life and completely change their opinion of you. Although, now I think about it, if the relationship was destined to end then what better way to say “fuck you too” than by cursing her with this auditory assault? So, Creed, Sarah, I hope the two of you are very happy together. By which I mean I hope you were both saddled with miserable lives and fat thighs.

Belinda Carlisle – ‘La Luna’

The first album I ever bought was a Belinda Carlisle album. And now I think about it probably the second, third and fourth too, because when my taste is bad, it’s consistently bad. When I was a youngster I had a bit of a thing for our Belinda, which I suppose in hindsight might have had some impact on my decision to buy a ridiculous amount of her records. These days, thanks to a combination of Botox and/or surgery causing the songstress to look more than a little bit like Mickey Rourke, the spell has been broken and I am no longer susceptible to this siren’s sales pitch. I suppose in the grand scheme of things this isn’t the worst music in the world (take note 2 Unlimited/Creed) but looking back I’d have to say due to the sheer amount of pocket money I spent on her albums, it’s the musical mistake that’s impacted me the most financially. If it wasn’t for all the wet dreams, Carlisle, I’d be asking for my money back. Too much information?

Peter Cetera – The Glory of Love

Something I don’t often reveal to people is that I was into the 80’s before it was cool, or at least quirky and retro, to be into the 80’s – specifically during the mid nineties. Sure I also hopped on the Britpop bandwagon as every trend-abiding teenager was compelled to, but I always kept a little room in my heart for the music of the mulleted generation. I’m not talking about the good 80’s stuff either, it wasn’t until the mid to late 90’s that I accidentally bought a Pixies album and realised what all the fuss was about. I’m talking about the fully synthesised, sequin-shitting, sappy power ballads that have come to define the decade. Looking at this now, written in black and white, I still feel a little bit of shame. It’s not something you can readily admit to real music fans. It’s like going to the Louvre, walking past the Mona Lisa and asking where the Magic Eye exhibit is. Some 80’s songs however will still bring a smile to my face to this day, be it Tiffany’s ‘I Think We’re Alone Now’ or this fistful of awesome courtesy of Peter Cetera. Yes, I know, it’s awful. BUT, just check out that middle-eight, man. Every time I hear it I get a shiver run down my spine. What’s more, this song encapsulated the very essence of one of the greatest films ever, The Karate Kid 2, and if it’s alright with LaRusso then it’s alright with me. Carry on, Cetera san.

Suggs – ‘Cecilia’

I know some people like Madness and in turn Suggs and that’s fine. Personally I’d rather spend three minutes dragging my nails across a chalk board whilst simultaneously pulling out my eyelashes one by one as Mick Hucknall plays live four inches from my face than have to listen to one of their/his songs. But, that’s just me. And that’s what makes the world so special; that people are different and that I have better taste than some of them. For whatever reason, in the summer of 1995 I bought only two singles, both on the same day. The first was The Bluetones’ ‘Slight Return’ and the second was this not-at-all-irritating cover of the Simon And Garfunkel track, ‘Cecilia’. Annoying isn’t it? You’ll be singing it for days now. No need to thank me.

So there we have it, my five biggest musical regrets. I’m sure there are others but I feel if I keep thinking about this I may start to lose all respect for myself, so instead I’m off to watch Go-Go’s videos in my underwear. Tarrar.