Protest Ye Not

There tends to be an opinion amongst the masses that our generation is more apathetic than those of days gone by. It may well be true, to be honest I haven’t really bothered to look into it. What I do know is that my parents’ generation, despite being thrust into a world of psychedelic, long-haired folly, were more politically active than I’ve ever been. They held protests, waved banners, marched marches and organised sit-ins, and what’s more they did all of this whilst they were really, really stoned. Like, really stoned. Like, “wow, aren’t hands amazing?” stoned. So, kudos to them. Along with these revolutionary ideas and cravings for change there was a shorthand for their unrest in the form of the protest song – a three minute blast of piety most often performed by Bob Geldolf or Bob Dylan or another human of the same ilk not necessarily called Bob. Whether it was a track from Joni Mitchell or Canadian folk singer Bruce Cockburn, who I know nothing about but had to include once he popped up on Google because he has an awesome name, the effect was that people were inspired.

I was under the impression that the old-fashioned protest song was dead. That is until I came across this video on YouTube. Just to provide a bit of background, this is a protest song performed by a group of Cornish locals in order to discourage the council from turning what at first (second, third and probably fourth glance) seems like a pretty average piece of coastline into a ferry port.

Touching isn’t it? I feel touched. Granted it’s in a tickle-fight-with-uncle-Pete-who-can-only-walk-you-to-within-200-yards-of-your-school-for-legal-reasons way, but I’m touched all the same. If only they could direct their talents and passion towards the sufferings in the rest of the world. In just a few short months we could eradicate AIDS, provide clean water and food for the entire planet, place a gag order on Jedward, explore space and make friends with a variety of alien species, find and capture Bin Laden, put Bill O’Reilly in a cave, place a virus in Jan Moir’s computer which turns everything she types into something nice and persuade Newton Faulkner and Mick Hucknall to sprint at each other across the length of the Large Hadron Collider leading to an impact that would leave only a black hole in their place. Still, bet they don’t build that fucking ferry port, so that’s something.

The thought occurred to me after watching this that the protest song may well be the way forward. Yesterday I had no interest whatsoever in ferry ports, today, I am vaguely aware of them. And if just one video can have this effect on me, imagine what else could be achieved. It was with this in mind that I prepared the following guide to creating the ultimate protest song.

Choose Your Target Carefully

Sex Pistolsfrontman Johnny Rotten spent his whole career protesting pretty much everything like the affected, bratty, faux-political anartard he is. That is until he came across Country Life butter, which he liked so much he did an advert for it. Yeah, anarchy! Yeah, butter! Anarchy and butter, yeah! Essentially a spoilt teenager who carried his angst way on through to his forties, Rotten and the rest of the Sex Pistols recorded a bunch of songs so they could show the world exactly how shit everything was, including, according to some, their music. Personally I never really got anarchy. My grandma used to say that if you’re not part of the solution then you’re part of the problem. She was a wise lady and also knew more guitar chords than all the members of the Sex Pistols put together. The point being that it’s important to choose your target carefully as opposed to vaguely protesting anything you don’t like, making your hair all spiky and being a dick to Noel Edmonds on Juke Box Jury, no matter how tempting that may be. Politicians are always good candidates and George Bush was a godsend, in terms of political song-writing that is. The man’s presidency, general demeanour and unparalleled acts of public idiocy led to a veritable smorgasbord of protest songs. As an example here’s Bright Eyes with ‘When The President Talks To God’, a song about the time Bush Jr. claimed god told him to invade Iraq. Rumour has it that other working titles included ‘When The President’s Eyes Are That Close Together Inbreeding Must Be The Cause’ and ‘When The President Is Technically A Specialun’ He Should Probably Be Impeached’. I guess he went with the snappier version.

The Video Is Key

Having a good video for your protest song is a vital ingredient to making people feel guilty enough to part with their money and support your cause. Those of you who remember the video for Michael Jackon’s ‘Earth Song’ will know he got this dead right.

One call to central casting got him some sad looking tribes-folk, some war-torn Eastern Europeans and some elephants that looked like they’d had a right old time. Couple this with a burning forest, a tank and a trapped dolphin and you basically have a video that prods every bit of your conscience at once. He even hugs a tree for Chrissakes. Well, not actually hugs it but holds on to it really tight at the end when that massive gust of wind comes from nowhere. Which is a bit weird really. All the way through the song I thought he was protesting war or hunting or something but by the end of it it’s clear he’s just a bit vexed by a large North Easterly. I think this is what they call misdirection. Anyway, despite the song having a chorus that consisted almost entirely of vowel sounds, people bought it, so he clearly knew what he was doing. Other things worth thinking about are the use of black and white, slow-motion and close-ups of crying children. If possible try and get them to cry just one solitary tear. For some reason this works better. To attain this effect it’s recommended that you try and upset said child, but only a little bit. Don’t tell him his parents are dead because that will cause a deluge. Maybe tell him that Joss Stone’s playing at his birthday party or that he’ll grow up to look like Chad Kroeger, something like that. It is also of vital importance that your video fades out as opposed to cutting straight, this will give your audience time to contemplate what you’ve just told them. They will sit there thinking about the message you delivered and very quietly say things like, “I wonder how they got that child to cry just one tear. I bet that bloke from Nickelback had something to do with it.”

Maintain Some Credibility

The most important thing with regards to writing a protest song is not to undermine yourself by coming across as an utter twat. In fact, that’s probably a lesson for life in general. Culture Club have started off alright here by choosing war as their target. No-one really likes war; it’s messy and expensive and cuts the time given to local news snippets about kittens trapped in trees and dogs breast-feeding baby badgers and stuff. Unfortunately though, Boy Georgehas pretty much shot himself in the foot here by dressing like the Polish medium at the end of my road who does tarot readings for 500cl of vodka and 10 Lucky Strikes (In case you are wondering, things aren’t looking good for me. The words infertility, poverty and uncertainty all cropped up, the bitch). Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with Madame Helga, but I’m fairly sure she couldn’t sell a record. Seriously, not one, she has a voice like a corpse being dragged across a gravel path and only one tooth, which although cute probably wouldn’t be all that marketable. For that reason it’s probably best not to model yourself after her if you’re a pop-star. Secondly, it seems the band opted to persuade a six year old to write their lyrics instead of doing it themselves. “War is stupid, and people are stupid.” Congratulations, you’ve not only alienated war-mongers but also people in general, job done. Needless to say this synthesised masterpiece didn’t put a complete stop to war, but Boy George persevered and went on to do the next best thing, i.e. he recorded a lot of other shit songs and then went to jail for keeping a Norwegian man handcuffed in his basement. Still, every little helps.

Don’t Do a Cover

Back in the day Joni Mitchellwas a child of the revolution. I’m not sure what that means but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with taking acid and not using condoms. She wrote all sorts of great songs, and even persuaded Bob Dylanto contribute a verse to world-famous protest song ‘Big Yellow Taxi’. Granted this was before she recently told the L.A. Times he was completely unoriginal and that everything from the content of his songs to his voice was fake. I can only assume that by fake she means ‘computer generated’, which although harsh does offer some solace to Stephen Hawking, who would be pleased to hear his chances at folk stardom aren’t entirely scuppered. Anyway, ‘Big Yellow Taxi’, in its day, was a great protest song. Unfortunately, later down the line nineties dreadlock enthusiasts Counting Crowsdecided to cover it with the help of one hot one-hit-wonder by the name of Vanessa Carlton, in an act so pointless that no-one actually noticed at all. With it’s repetition the song had lost all meaning, mostly because these days we are all savvy enough to know that trees are actually a bit boring and car parks are useful for not only parking our vehicles in, but also for participating in a variety of urban sports, including ‘dogging’, ‘pissing in the stairwell’ and ‘hiding the needle before the police search your car’. The cover version was actually so annoying to me that it caused me to write a protest song of my own willing Counting Crowsto please stop recording and just be happy with the fact that everyone liked ‘August And Everything After’. I say ‘protest song’, what I actually mean is strongly worded letter. And by ‘strongly worded letter’ I mean ‘turd in a shoebox’. Anyway, I’m under legal obligation not to talk about this too much so it’s best we move on.

Get Bono InvolvedThis is vitally important in terms of giving your protest song credibility, and the good thing is you won’t even need to ask him. It turns out those shades that he refuses to take off actually give him some sort of sight-beyond-sight, like Liono in Thundercats. All he has to do is stare dreamily into the distance whilst The Edge fucks about with his delay pedal and a worthy cause will just float into his eye-line. “Bejeezus, someone’s writing a song about apartheid,” Bono will say, before boarding a private jet with no thought for himself, or his carbon footprint and turning up at your door with a trilby, a charity t-shirt and a bunch of really great ideas for harmonies. I know what you’re thinking: “I don’t want Bono on my song. I’ll just ask him to go away.” This is all well and good but bear in mind that generations of people have spent a lot of time willing Bono to go away and he’s still here, ever present, like herpes, albeit herpes with good intentions. It’s best just to let him join in and surrender to the fact that he has a monopoly on altruism, the do-gooding bastard.

So there we have it. You are armed with everything you need to create your perfect protest song. And you should remember that the song itself isn’t all that important. The rules are a bit like those of the Oscars – if you play (or in this case draw attention to) someone slightly disadvantaged/disabled/warred against, then you’re pretty much a shoe-in for success. Get your acceptance speech ready and feel free to thank me financially when you reach number one.

As an added bonus for not getting bored after the first paragraph, here’s an exclusive video of Liam Gallagher’s new band, Beady Eye.

I know, it was better than I thought it was going to be too.