#5 Calvin Harris

Hi Calvin, ready for some stupid questions?
I’ve just got off the plane from Corfu, I had a gig to play. I’m excited, I like stupidity.

Excellent. What’s the best thing that’s happened so far today?
I left Corfu.

What was the worst thing about Corfu?
I couldn’t find a bottle of water anywhere, I had a really dry mouth, do you know that feeling?

Yes, what’s the longest you’ve gone without water?
Oh nothing awful, no longer than 8 hours.

Yes, when was the last time you went on holiday?
June 2007. I went to Ibiza and did not party.

Really?
No.

What did you do?
Sat about, went in the pool. It was good.

No reading or Su Doku or crosswords or anything?
None of that stuff. I went with my then-girlfriend so we were doing other things.

Ooo er. What’s your favourite food?
[deliberates for a long time] …halibut. It’s a delicious fish. You get big portions when you order it. It’s big.

Are you a big fish in a small pond?
Erm…

Are you the musical equivalent of halibut?
I wouldn’t say that, but I’ll think about it.

Come on, just admit it.
No, I think that’s the sort of comparison that requires serious thought. Maybe in a couple of days.

We haven’t got that long, let’s move on.
Ok.

What would you eat on death row?
Halibut with asparagus, a lemon and thick cut chips and, maybe as a starter, some kind of aubergine-based sauce to dip your bread or [adopts French accent] crudités in. That’s fucking delicious.

Crudi-what? You sound like a foodie, who’s your favourite TV chef?
Absolutely. I love it. Gordon Ramsay for his entertainment value.

Do you ever wonder about the creases in Gordon Ramsay’s face and what you could put in them?
[laughs] I haven’t thought about it but [immediately hypothesises] I guess you could smear some quick-setting putty on his face, peel it off and you’d get an abstract piece of art. Or [excitedly] you could make those sugar baskets you get on desserts in posh restaurants, you could pour molten sugar on his face and then let it set and carefully peel it off.

He could serve that in his restaurants.
Maybe he does.

What do you eat before you go onstage?
I eat bananas, like a tennis player.

What’s the most amount of bananas you’ve eaten in one sitting?
Only three. Peter Andre ate 17 and collapsed onstage once, did you know that?

Yes. Have you ever collapsed from an overdose?
[laughs] Erm. I mean. It’s best to say no.

What are you worried about?
I’m not worried about much, you can’t spend your life worrying.

Come on Calvin, tell us the last thing you were worried about?
Well, when I got back from my last tour I had a letter from the gas board saying I would be cut off. That was mildly upsetting.

Don’t you have people to pay your bills for you now that you’re famous?
Sadly not. [to taxi driver] Just here mate… [Calvin gets out of the taxi]

Best thing about being Calvin Harris?
I get to travel the world playing music to people that want to party.

Wild, what’s the worst thing?
[immediately] I’m a bit too tall.

Oh OK, have you ever been in a situation in which  you wished you were shorter?
Things like getting on trains, that’ll do.

Has your height ever embarrassed you?
Maybe, I tend not to dwell on embarrassing stuff.

Why?
It just makes you feel bad about yourself, I’m a glass-half-full sort of person.

How lovely, how would you cheer us up then?
I’d point out all the most positive aspects of their life and list them.

Succinct. Who’s your favourite diva?
Tina Turner.

Why?
Do you even have to ask?

We suppose not. Who’d win in a fight between Tina and Mariah?
Tina Turner for sure. She’s a powerful woman.

Are you good at fighting?
(immediately) No no, no no. In fact, in Corfu I was thinking that 95% of the people there would waste me in a fight.

OK, if there was a Calvin Harris Top Trumps card, what would your weakest attribute be?
Height, there’s more of me to hit. Saying that, maybe I’d be really great at fighting now, but I think you need practice.

What’s your favourite thing to do in a bathroom?
I like showers. If I had a Jacuzzi it’d be that every time, but I don’t have one, so… I considered a wet room, but my house isn’t suitable.

Maybe one day. How does wearing sunglasses make you feel?
Like a bit of a prick.

What do your parents think of your job?
They’re very proud.

How have they manifested their pride?
They told me.

What’s your most embarrassing music-related story?
When I was 9, I cried when The Bluebells’ ‘Young At Heart’ reissue went from number one to number two. I slammed my bedroom door.

Do you react like that to your own records?
[laughs] No.

What’s the best compliment a fan has ever given you?
A lot of people say I help them to work out in the gym.

Do you go to the gym?
I use hotel gyms, but you never know whether you’ll get a proper gym or a cleaning cupboard with a treadmill in it.

Where do you stand on changing room etiquette? Do you let it all hang out?
[laughs] I’m fine with it. Let ‘em look, that’s what I say!

What’s your least favourite body part?
I’ve got a long neck.

Like a giraffe?
Well yes, like a giraffe.

What’s the most extravagant thing you’ve ever bought?
I don’t do extravagant.

How about the most boring thing you’ve ever bought?
Kitchen roll.

What is your passion other than music?
I like painting rooms. I painted my old bathroom black, it was very successful. It made the toilet roll stand out. The effect was incredible, I miss it a lot.

OK, thanks Calvin, we’re all done.
Thanks. Have a good day.