What A Week with John Kerrison #2

Berlusconi’s Musical Masterpiece

Whatever you think about former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, you have to admit that he fucked his country up with far more flair than any of our own po-faced politicians could ever manage. As much as I’d like to live in a world where David Cameron threw sex parties attended by George Clooney and Cristiano Ronaldo, the closest I can imagine him coming to such Playboy antics is making awkward, rigid, missionary love to his wife whilst kept warm by a pair of socks, possibly also a tie, and a burning pile of library books in the corner of the room. Socks and a tie, you heard it here first. On the off chance that I could get sued for saying any of the above, allow me to throw in an obligatory “allegedly”. Feel free to cut that out and place it anywhere in the text you like. There; safe as houses.

Berlusconi, despite generally coming over a bit “Polanski” and apparently paying for underage prostitutes during his famous “bunga bunga” parties – which I think literally translates as “claimed on expenses” – is a man who has clearly remained in touch with his creative side. This week he’s finally released his latest album of heartfelt howlings, ‘True Love’.

Just to recap, an Italian politician who is currently facing trial for sleeping with underage prostitutes has released an album called ‘True Love’. You just can’t write that.

Apparently the album, recorded with “guitarist and former parking attendant Mariano Apicella” – yes, THE guitarist and former parking attendant, Mariano Apicella – was originally due for release in September, but Berlusconi thought it may be inappropriate timing seeing as he was busy burying both himself in a minor and any post addressed to “Italy” marked “FINAL DEMAND” in a giant hole in his garden. Allegedly. Very much allegedly.

In the past the Italian songsmith has performed (musically) for Tony Blair, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush, which, if you’re thinking what I’m thinking, can only spell out one thing: SUPERGROUP. I can see Blair on the guitar, his awkward Hugh-Grant-In-About-a-Boy-isms sending the crowd wild while Putin tries to beat a drum kit to death and Silvio croons at the jailbait groupies in the front row. It should go without saying that George Bush would be the band’s Bez, probably banging two landmines together and trying not to dribble on himself.

It’s easy to be cynical about this, because it’s almost unfathomably ridiculous. Here’s a quick preview. All I can say is I hope that guitarist is a good parking attendant.

Nickelblock – A Firewall for Bad Music

Of all the scientific and technological advancements throughout history, from the invention of the wheel and the discovery of penicillin to the deeper understandings we’ve developed of the universe around us and the complexities of our biological makeup, a recent invention from the guys at music blog Aux.com is the closest I’ve seen to a sure-fire contender for a Nobel Prize. Sure, an advancement in stem-cell research it isn’t, but what it is, is in its own way, invaluable.

‘Nickelblock’ is a downloadable tool designed to remove all references to Canadian Crock-Rockers Nickelback from your online browser, effectively deleting them from the internet, as if they never happened; as if it were all just a bad, aurally offensive dream complete with ridiculous affectations, anachronistic hairdos and ill-fitting denim.

Working on the same principle as when the mind blocks out traumatic experiences – like the childhood game you played with your favourite uncle and promised never to speak of, or having seen Keith Chegwin’s The Naked Jungle – the app takes the scientific formula for Nickelback  (goatee + affected growl + Creed-like production values + artificial colours, flavourings and vomit inducers) and erases it altogether from the gigantic algorithm that is the internet, so everything is once again fine and Chad Kroeger is just some guy who works in a gas station, flicking through Playboys and singing at Pringles tubes, who between them, despite having no cognitive awareness, ears, or a mind with which to form an opinion, still think he’s not very good.

Radiohead’s Naked Baby Photos

Having embarrassing early demos of your band released to the public must be a bit like having your parents show your new girlfriend your naked baby photos – sexy. No, wait, not that. Awkward, that’s the word I was reaching for. Here’s Radiohead’s Thom Yorke explaining further:

“Hello, Radiohead’s Thom Yorke here, from Radiohead. You may have heard of my band, Radiohead. We’re really quite good and have released lots of albums that have received critical acclaim, like ‘OK Computer’ by Radiohead, and ‘Kid A’, by Radiohead. Before I was in Radiohead, which is the band I’m in called Radiohead, I was in exactly the same band but without Radiohead’s Johnny Greenwood from Radiohead. We were called On A Friday, and sounded like this. Radiohead.”

I think I may have lost my way a little bit here and I should probably point out for legal reasons that Thom Yorke didn’t write the linguistic miscarriage above. His version was much worse. Basically some really early Radiohead demos were leaked this week by some old school friends of the band. That’s old school-friends, by the way. Not old-school friends. I’m not suggesting that the fundamental nature of friendship has somehow transformed over a certain period of time. The songs were recorded when Thom et al were around 17/18 and both include a saxophone solo, which is just lovely in principal, but don’t go expecting Gerry Rafferty’s ‘Baker Street’ or George Michael’s ‘Careless Whisper’, it’s really not that great. Still, interesting.

Non-News News Story of the Week
Gene Simmons Speaks His Mind, Audience Strains Ears

Due to recent events bringing an end to his role as a professional Muammar Gaddafi’s look-a-like, parody-of-a-rockstar rockstar Gene Simmons, has found himself popping up in the press again. He’s recently been quoted as saying that Guns’N'Roses could have been “the biggest band in the world” if it wasn’t for Axl Rose being a bit of a tearaway, which presumably is a thought he’s been working on since 1992. He was also mentioned in another article in which original Kiss guitarist Ace Frehley claims Simmons was a sex addict, because we haven’t been told enough times how many women he’s slept with. Granted, it’s kind of incredible if you look at him, or hear him speak, or are aware of him, but still, enough’s enough. All of the above raises one pertinent question: what decade is it?

Non Music Related Story of The Week:
Jesus Christ, Runaway Dog

A YouTube clip of a man chasing his dog as it took off in pursuit of some deer went viral this week because it’s as hilarious an example as you’re likely to find of the phenomenon known as “middle-class panic”. Have a looksie, there’s something a little bit Alan Partridge about the whole thing. If only the dog was called Dan.

When asked to comment, the owner of the dog named Fenton, who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “I was just standing in the park wondering why I let my dog off his lead when I know I have absolutely no control over him whatsoever, when suddenly, completely out of keeping with the behaviour of a dog let off its lead, Fenton started chasing some other animals. At first I thought I coul… oh hold on. Fenton! Fenton!! FENTON!! JESUS CHRIST.”
The interview was cut short at this point because it was entirely fictional.