What A Week With John Kerrison #3

One For The Money and The Great Bieby Scandal

The seed of famous musicians has been providing some sticky situations over the last few weeks – if you’ve stopped reading this already then I completely understand – prompting games of what I like to call ‘paternity bingo’ throughout the industry, affecting everyone from Justin Bieber to the blue-suede-shoe-wearing King himself.

First we had 20-year-old Mariah Yeater claiming that tweenage pop sensation Bieber was the baby-daddy of her tiny, 3-month-old human man; an assertion that marked the first recorded instance of a proud declaration of statutory rape since R Kelly’s [redacted] [redacted] urination [redacted].

Customary R-Kelly joke: √

As well as providing a disturbing visual image that is now seemingly burnt into my retina like I’ve been staring at a Bieber-sex-shaped sun for too long, Yeater’s allegations also made her out to be quite the fool. She was proven to be lying when the authentic father of the bieby stepped forward to declare that he was not in fact Justin Bieber but a completely different human altogether. Quelle surprise. I had my doubts from the get-go after some swiftly conducted internet research informed me that Justin Bieber is in fact a lesbian. At least I think it said lesbian. Might have been Canadian. Massively different in that case.

This overwhelmingly transparent piece of fabricated anti-news got the media in such a kerfuffle that Beano-inspired pseudo-paper, The Mirror, decided to canvas experts for their opinions on the matter. Unfortunately all bona-fide experts were otherwise occupied discussing important issues with papers who don’t draft their copy in Crayolas, so they asked Jedward instead: “We can’t believe someone’s said she had a baby with Justin Bieber. Justin is really cool and now he’s got his haircut like ours too, so it can’t be true,” said one or both of them in unison. Glad we got that sorted then. Seriously, what are Jedward for?

But There’s More!

This week, even more astounding allegations have come from a Swedish woman named Lisa Johansen, who’s attempting to sue The Elvis Presley estate for $130 million dollars based on claims that she’s the real Lisa Marie Presley – which is no doubt confusing the bejesus out of Lisa Marie Presley who has spent her entire life thinking she was almost certainly Lisa Marie Presley.

It seems this isn’t the first time Lisa Johansen has made these claims. In the late 1990’s she released an autobiography full of plot twists so implausible Dan Brown would have scoffed at them, probably before buying the rights and getting on the phone to Tom Hanks. The “självbiografi” – apparently a Swedish word for ‘shit I made up over breakfast’ – details how, after the death of her “father” Elvis, Johansen was flown to Sweden to avoid risk of kidnap and, before being able to return to her position as the rightful head of the family, was replaced by the “imposter” Lisa Marie. Just like in the Disney classic, Anastasia, although not based on any semblance of truth whatsoever. This initial bout of lunacy was brushed under the carpet when Johansen refused to take a DNA test and was sued by her publishers, who were quoted as saying the book, “came across as the rantings of a crazy person”.

When asked for comment on this latest development we were told by Jedward’s representatives that they were currently too busy learning about stranger-danger to give expert opinion to the press. There was then a sudden, loud noise and something mumbled about one of them getting stuck in the ball pit again before the representative hung up.

Oddly all traces of Lisa Johansen’s website seem to have disappeared from the internet. This could be due to the impending legal hammering heading her way, or the fact that the site itself has been whisked away to Sweden to avoid kidnap so it can return later and claim its rightful place as the 1,373,343,567th most pointless thing on the net.

Happy Birthday, Jesus

Yearly celebration of subtlety, Christmas, is upon us again and if your town’s anything like mine then it looks like a Coca-Cola ad threw up on itself before being bukkakied by a gang of tinsel monsters.

Personally I quite like Christmas; the bright lights, the decorations, the unreasonably overt expressions of cheer – all fine for the next three weeks or so before we return to being the miserable, downtrodden, cynical nation we’re known and loved for being. What it does mean, however, is that it’s time for the Christmas singles to start rearing their heads and monopolising the airwaves until we all forget about our X-Boxes and spinning tops and instead ask Santa for some temporary deafness.

This year The Killer’s are releasing their sixth consecutive festive single which, although being about a cowboy and sounding far too much like country music to be enjoyable, is raising money for AIDS charity (RED). So, for the sake of not sounding like a complete curmudgeon I’ll suggest you buy it. That way I don’t have to but can still feel like I’m helping.

Good Deed: √

Ash’s Tim Wheeler and Emmy The Great have also released this Love Actually-esque video for ‘Home For The Holidays’, full of festive cheer, floppy hats and awkward looking extras. I really liked the Christmassy bit:

Also in the running for the number one spot are the cerebrally-dormant cast of The Only Way Is Essex, who have taken time out from painting themselves orange and doing vajazzles at each other to ruin everyone’s holiday with a cover of ‘Last Christmas’. I won’t embed this video, partly because it’s not available yet and partly because I’d rather try and put a chip-pan fire out with my balls.

And finally there’s this. I shared this video on The Fly website last Christmas but I think a true classic can never be played enough. I feel this truly encapsulates the Christmas spirit in all its forms. It’s pretty much ‘Mistletoe And Wine’ for the next generation.

Probably worth popping some earphones in for this one if you’re at work. And maybe taking the precaution of blinding yourself.

Sorry.

I’ve also heard mumblings of ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ being the now traditional anti-X-Factor release, but I’M BORED OF WRITING THIS BIT NOW SO LET’S MOVE ON.

HRH The Grammys

The Grammys are, in many ways, music’s equivalent of Her Royal Highness The Queen – in so much that I don’t have any interest in them whatsoever and they insist on celebrating themselves twice a year. Whilst The Queen has two birthdays – which means she must be about 146, right? – The Grammys have two ceremonies; one gigantic, glittery fap-about for announcing the nominees, and then another for announcing the winners, which seems to me a little over the top, and that’s not like the Americans at all. I could of course be completely mistaken, in which case it’s just one long ceremony with a four-month toilet break. Regardless, after Arcade Fire won the best album award last year and it turned out 90% of the American public didn’t know who they were, this year’s nominees seem to be safer bets. Kanye West is nominated for everything from best performer to best shoelaces, and is one of several multi-multi-nominated artists along with Foo Fighters and Adele. Bon Iver has been nominated for best newcomer, despite not really being a newcomer, and Bruno Mars has been nominated for a bunch of stuff despite being Bruno Mars. You can read more about this somewhere else. Shoo…

Non-News News Story Of The Week: Mark E Smith Says Something, Synchronised Shrugging Record Broken.

Whilst taking time out from building up to his first ever smile, Mark E Smith of The Fall conducted an interview with BBC 6Music this week where he spoke out about this summer’s London Riots. It may seem like an incredibly odd time to broach the subject, unless you consider how long it must take to compose such carefully constructed ruminations as these:
“I agree with Colonel Gaddafi. Too much laptops, too much Nescafe, that is what he said you know. It’s quite biblical actually, it was predicted in the bible.”

I’m assuming this quote has been taken out of context, not because it’s ‘shocking’ but because it seems, at passing glance, to be completely devoid of all sense. Despite, I think, being a comment on the materialistic nature and abundant consumerism of today’s society, the passage seems to suggest Smith’s version of The New Testament covers instant coffee and personal computing, which seems unlikely unless Starbucks have finally conquered the last bastion of advertising. You can listen to a snippet of the interview here, which does actually put the quote in context without removing any of its convolutions. I’m fairly sure he has a valid point, somewhere. I’m just not absolutely sure what it is. But then if Smith gave an ordinary interview we might actually have to consider it newsworthy.

Non-Music News Story That for Three Weeks Running Now Has Been About a Dog: Dog Shoots Man In Bottom?

This week, a 46-year-old man who went duck hunting with his dog and a friend found himself shot in the buttocks by his excited canine.
Apparently the man, who has requested anonymity – presumably because he got shot by his dog, which is embarrassing – had stepped out of his boat and was approximately 10 yards away when his twelve-gauge shotgun discharged.

This quote from The Telegraph sheds more light on the subject: “One of the hunters was inside the boat with the dog, and the other hunter was in the water setting up decoys,”

So, as an alternative headline: “Gullible Man Believes Friend Who Blamed Shooting Incident On Dog.”

The dog in question, who also wishes to remain unnamed, claims innocence, suggesting that to shoot his master from that angle would require expert marksmanship and opposable thumbs. He requests the authorities redirect their inquiries and investigate apparent sightings of a Beagle on a nearby grassy knoll.