What A Week With John Kerrison #4

Kaboom! That’s the sound of news stories falling into your lap, written by me, who in turn made a small, prolonged whimpering sound when writing them – almost as if I were afraid of the truth, like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men. Luckily for you I learnt to HANDLE THE TRUTH just enough to write about the most popular iTunes downloads of all time, everyone’s favourite woman named Madonna, Madonna, performing at the Superbowl, the lead singer of Korn being a conspiracy theorist and a banker from the Big Apple not entirely understanding the subtleties of rejection. Read on, pilgrim.

Top Of The Pods

This week, Apple, the multinational corporation, not the daughter of Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow who also happens to be inexplicably named after a fruit*, have released a list of the most downloaded songs since the inception of iTunes. The results provide an interesting look, not only at the success of the world’s most popular online music retailer – the publication of the list marking their 10 billionth download – but also at the musical tastes of humanity as a whole, providing a kind of ultimate record collection based on the buying habits of millions.

*Incidentally, I realised today that if Martin and Paltrow’s child had an ‘i’ at the end of her name she’d be called Apple Martini. I can’t even fathom how high they must have been to think that was okay.

Imagine if you will that we are all part of one giant consciousness with shared fears, hopes, desires and tastes. Imagine that we, as that consciousness, are about to throw a house party for all the other sentient beings occupying our universe and those beyond. We’ve set out some snacks – nothing fancy, just some cocktail sausages and perhaps some pineapple chunks with cheese, maybe a couple of jam tarts, but not the lemon curd ones because we sneakily ate those ourselves – and we’ve filled the fridge with beer. The music of course has sorted itself out – the following would be our playlist.

Apple’s most-downloaded iTunes songs of all time:

1.  ‘I Gotta Feeling’ by Black Eyed Peas
2. ‘Poker Face’ by Lady Gaga
3. ‘Boom Boom Pow’ by Black Eyed Peas
4. ‘I’m Yours’ by Jason Mraz
5. ‘Viva La Vida’ by Coldplay
6. ‘Just Dance’ by Lady Gaga & Colby O’Donis
7. ‘Low’ (feat. T-Pain) by Flo Rida
8. ‘Love Story’ by Taylor Swift
9. ‘Bleeding Love’ by Leona Lewis
10. ‘Tik Tok’ by Ke$ha
11. ‘Disturbia’ by Rihanna
12. ‘So What’ by P!nk
13. ‘I Kissed A Girl’ by Katy Perry
14. ‘Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)’ by Beyoncé
15. ‘Hot N Cold’ by Katy Perry
16. ‘Stronger’ by Kanye West
17. ‘Live Your Life’ (feat. Rihanna) by T.I.
18. ‘Hey There Delilah’ by Plain White T’s
19. ‘Right Round’ by Flo Rida
20. ‘Party In The U.S.A.’ by Miley Cyrus
21. ‘Don’t Stop Believin” by Journey
22. ‘Bad Romance’ by Lady Gaga
23. ‘Use Somebody’ by Kings Of Leon
24. ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City
25. ‘How To Save A Life’ by The Fray

Somewhat predictably, the results show that, as an almost perpetually disappointing species, our party would be terrible and all the guests from other universes would laugh at us, probe us ceaselessly and leave early, not even pausing long enough to steal an obligatory road-sign on the way home.

I suppose it should come as no surprise that pop music dominates the list. It is, after all, an abbreviation of the word ‘popular’. I just find it ever so slightly disconcerting that when given the gift of portable music and the ability to purchase any song at the touch of a button, we’ve used it to download Owl City’s ‘Fireflies’ so many times that it’s now the 24th most downloaded iTune of all time. Not to mention the fact that we’ve willingly filled the pockets of the trifecta of interchangeable pap peddlers, Ke$ha, Miley Cirus and Taylor Swift. This is surely the equivalent of being given the gift of time-travel and using it to watch next Sunday’s Hollyoaks omnibus. Or being offered the opportunity to visit any location in the world and choosing a service station just off the M1… where Owl City are playing a gig in the Granary.

If you’re not already slightly depressed, here are some facts that will pound the final nail into the casket in which you’ve gently laid your hope for mankind.

•    The cast of “Glee” has had more songs chart than the Beatles.
•    Barbara Streisand has sold more records (140 million) than Pearl Jam, Johnny Cash, and Tom Petty combined.
•    Celine Dion’s ‘Falling Into You’ sold more copies than any Queen, Nirvana, or Bruce Springsteen record.
•    Creed has sold more records in the US than Jimi Hendrix.

Stats courtesy of Buzzfeed.com – name-check them in your suicide note.

Super Madge Performs At Superbowl

America’s favourite pastime, Madonna, has been officially announced as the half-time entertainment for this year’s Superbowl, which is the equivalent of the World Cup final for American Almost-Rugby and was last year watched by an estimated 162 million people.

The Superbowl is one of the most viewed TV events in the world and is famed for its hilarious advertising spots and big-budget half-time concerts, which in the past have been no stranger to controversy. You may remember the famous nipplegate incident of 2004, in which Justin Timberlake ‘accidentally’ removed part of Janet Jackson’s outfit to reveal  her breast, naked all but for a ‘nipple shield’ she wore, almost as if she expected to have her top ripped off. Either that or she had heard rumour of an assassination plot against her right areola.  It’s also possible, I suppose, that she just happens to have gold, star-shaped nipples, in which case I apologise for my cynicism and bringing up the aforementioned nipular affliction. Basically, what I’m getting at is that she did it on purpose. 2004’s Superbowl also involved a streaker with tiny American football where his genitals should have been, who was eventually tackled by members of both competing teams presumably resulting in him having a tiny American football where his anus should have been.

Needless to say, Madonna’s performance is going to have to go some to live up to the hype of past years, although the pop icon is no stranger to headline-grabbing herself. Not to be confused with headline grabbing-herself, which doesn’t really make any sense but did amuse me enough to write, along with this follow-up sentence explaining why I did so. Considering she’s already kissed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on stage, released a book about her sex life complete with photographs of her simulating some bonking, and given one of the most awkward interviews in the history of awkward interviews on Letterman, she’s probably going to have to do something really, really shocking to make this performance memorable. Maybe she’ll try some acting or something.

Illuminutty: Jonathan Davis and Barack Obama

Front man of metal-band-that-are-still-around Korn, Jonathan Davis, has been speaking to the press about his dissatisfaction with Barack Obama and his belief in the illuminati – an all powerful group of elitists who are running the world in secret and controlling everything from… you know what, it’s really hard to finish this sentence without my tin-foil hat on. Just Google it. Or don’t.

According to Davis, these anonymous overlords are puppeteering the Commander in Chief with invisible strings made of malevolence, or something else that makes me want to bang my head against my keyboard until this section has written itself.
Discussing the track ‘Illuminati’ from the band’s new album ‘The Path Of Totality’, which incidentally sounds like a headline from The Watchtower, Davis was quoted as saying:
“”I feel like Obama’s an Illuminati puppet. He’s basically dragged this country down into the worst it’s ever been. Like I say about the White House, ‘You’ve built this house of shame’. Everybody looked up at the White House and America and now I think it’s like a house of shame. I miss the old days when people were proud to be American.”

Yes, the good old days, when instead of building houses of shame The U.S. built cities on Rock ‘n’ Roll. At least I assume these are the days he’s talking about. Maybe he’s just missing Reagan, or George Bush, or the point entirely.

Davis then went on to discuss how he had studied the illuminati, presumably with the aid of YouTube videos and a shit-ton of weed. Luckily I’m not one of the masses who believe everything I’m told and am convinced that Jonathan Davis is an illuminati puppet designed to speak nonsense to the point that it throws us all off the scent of the illuminati altogether. Good job, agent Davis.

Non-News News Story Of The Week

Michael Bublé, pronounced ‘boob-ley’ for those of you not au fait with the intricacies of the acute accent (think Mrs Bucket in Keeping Up Appearances), caught my eye this week after being asked an arbitrary question about his calendar and politely answering it. The headline read: ‘Michael Bublé: I Cringe Over My Calendar,’ which at first glance seems fairly innocuous, unless you read the word ‘cringe’ as some sort of euphemism, in which case it quickly becomes both disgusting and narcissistic. Luckily the king crooner was on hand to clear things up.
“It cringes me out if I come across my face on a calendar…”
Let’s stop this right here, shall we?

Bublé also went on to talk about how good Cliff Richard looks in his calendar and expressed his admiration for the fact that the national treasure has maintained his youthful looks. “If I look as good at 40 as he does now I’ll be happy,” he was quoted as saying of the 71-year-old, before throwing his loose change into a jar marked ‘surgery fund’ on his bedside table. With all this talk about calendars you’d think Christmas was just around the corner. For those of you interested, mine is available from Clinton’s Cards and WH Smiths. I’ve been cringing over it for weeks.

Non-Music News Story Of The Week

If the world ever needed another middle class man chasing his dog through a park, it’s now. Unfortunately I don’t have a single canine catastrophe for you this week, which brings my hot-streak of vaguely amusing stories about dogs to an end at a healthy 3.
Instead I have this:

Jilted Banker Writes Dismissive Missive

A New York banker has found an email he sent to a woman he once dated has gone viral, because he’s a lunatic.

The jilted banker sent a 1,615 word email to a woman he went out with once, demanding an apology for not returning his messages and claiming that she led him on by ‘twirling her hair’ and ‘making eye contact’ – two things that he knew amounted to flirting because he Googled them, just like a mentalist would.

Other ways in which he thought the girl, named Lauren, led him on were by breathing, existing and not kicking him in the bollocks before pepper-spraying his face off.

You can read the full email below, in which the man simultaneously tries to express that he’s no longer interested in Lauren whilst at the same time still trying to ask her out.

As a quick preview, here are two of my favourite lines:
“If you don’t go out with me again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life.”
and
“In addition I am both a right-brain and left-brain man…”
I’m not entirely sure what this last one means, but think some confusion may have come about whilst he took a break from typing to count his testicles.

Click here to read what the nutcase said.